Tell us about yourself and how many books you have written.
This question seems kind of rigged. If I claim I’ve written 20 books, you’ll know I’m lying. If I say I’ve only written one book, I’ll sound amateurish. So let’s just say I’ve written between 0 and 20 books, and leave at that.
As for being descriptive about myself, it’s all there in my book, Trailer Dogs, which is among the 0-20 books I’ve written, as previously aforementioned above. Many people find me extraordinarily witty and humorous, while others merely find me sitting in a lawn chair in the trailer park, sucking down the dregs from a box of wine and cursing John Lennon’s first wife. If not for her, I might have been the woman he dumped for Yoko.
I do not like horseradish one damn bit. As a fervent animal lover, I do not believe horses should be sacrificed to make that foul-tasting concoction. One would think that with all the stem cell research and our ability to put a man on the moon, American ingenuity could find a way to manufacture synthetic horseradish so that the horses could be spared. Even then, however, I would not use horseradish to enhance the flavor of a decent cut of prime rib.
My hobbies include dog obedience training, which, according to my two dogs, I haven’t quite mastered, and ordering stuff online.
What is the name of your latest book and what inspired it?
Well, Gah, shouldn’t you already know the name of my book? What made you ask such a dumb question? Anyways, I just told you the name of my books, or at least one of them, is Trailer Dogs. My inspiration for writing it is there in the book, which you’d know if you’d read it. I’m beginning to think this interview is a plot by the media to sabotage the success of my book. Stop twisting my words, or I swear, Trailer Dogs II will expose your evil treachery.
Do you have any unusual writing habits?
Yes. Sometimes I write everything backwards, and it has to be held up to a mirror to be read. And sometimes I write in a foreign language. Possibly Latvian.
What authors, or books have influenced you?
The Holy Bible had a tremendous influence on me, and God is my favorite writer by far. (Is this a good thing to say that will make Christians buy my book? Should I also put in a plug for Allah and Buddha? Please advise.)
What are you working on now?
A questionnaire my old man said I needed to complete if I wanted to sell any books.
What is the best advice you have ever heard?
If it smells really bad, don’t put it in your mouth.
What are you reading now?
What’s next for you as a writer?
I’m going to write another fabulous book, which will increase my output range to 0-21.
What is your favorite book of all time?
The Holy Bible? Didn’t I already answer that?